My brother recently informed me that my rights as a natural citizen of the United States has once again been restricted via state legislation.  Somehow this always seems to result in limitations of my freedoms, yet do I ever get my desire for legal reform (translated ambulance chasers), reduced political term limits, or how about jail sentences for politicians who fail to pay their own taxes (especially those who set tax policies for others)?  Nope, instead I am subject to new laws that went into effect this year like:

• You cannot use public money to fund a portrait of any governor that has been removed from office (apparently by impeachment or conviction).
• Hair braiders have to register with the state
• Driving instructors (family or professional) have to be sober while teaching someone to drive

I am not accountable for the day to day management of the State of Illinois, but I do know that my State is something like $13 BILLION below a balanced budget.  Call me crazy, but this seems like a serious issue worthy of some equal serious attention.  Instead, we apparently have legal concerns about someone wanting to make a portrait of Deputy Dog… I mean Blago.  So somehow this little bit of legislation was crafted, presented, lobbied, voted and scribed into law while our State’s credit rating was getting smacked around by Asian Carp.  As a result I sit in resignation as my income tax rate takes hits of helium (especially annoying seeing as how we also have a tax hit thanks to a new high school referendum that was passed which we will never benefit from).  But all of this was trumped by another new law (and the specific one my brother clued me into).  Apparently as of the first of this year, I can no longer own a monkey!  Chipping away at my income is one thing, but “chimping” me out of my primates is just going to far.

• What’s going to alert me to bad dates?
• Who’s going to throw all the dog poo out of my yard?
• How will I be able to leave the house without knowing my hair is free of lice
• and most of all, who is going to make drink runs while I am enthralled in a video game?

These are just some of the valuable things that I rely on my den monkey to do for me (pictured above).

This is absolutely the bitter end and it’s time to go dump some tea.  I beg all geeks of the world to stand up for their primate rights and end this injustice.  Hmmm wait just a minute, let me go read that law again.   Yada yada yada, no primates.. yada yada unlawful to own… yada yada yada unless for assisting disabilities yada yada.  Hey, it looks like I have at least two outs.  Clearly my monkey is assisting in a disability capacity (gaming flunky) but in truth, the law seems to only focus on primates and my monkey doesn’t fall into this category because in truth it is a ‘C’ monkey (bada bing).  I guess I’ll call off the tea raid, but politicians beware I’m watching you closely (especially those from Chicago).