Happy New Year Everyone! I am still working on my year end blog summary – amazing how long it takes to go through and get the annual blog stats. While I am still working on that, figured I would go off topic a bit and highlight a trend that appears to be growing. Unfortunately, this trend is not a good one, in fact, one could say it is a downward spiral (an appropriate toilet pun) … at least from my perspective. I started seeing signs of this while shopping at various places during the earlier part of the year. It didn’t really hit home until the November-December timeframe while out picking up presents for family and friends. It seemed like in every store we bothered to go to this year, there it was, smelling up the aisles. Toy after toy, decoration after decoration focused on a particular theme. I decided it was time to highlight this on the blog as evidence in case any fake mainstream media wanted to go off on what a shitty year this was.
The weird thing is the thrust of the [bowel) movement seemed aimed at children. I bring you example number one found at Bass Pro – Doggie Doo: When you gotta go, you gotta go complete with exclamation point.
From the look of the packaging, this particular toy involves a wiener dog that farts out smelly bees. This results in not only the bystanders being offended, but the smell has apparently bored a hole through the ozone layer causing a fouling of the sun. I had to know what this game was about – deep down hoping this was just a typo and they were really not offering a game of clean up poop to our children. Nope, unlike CNN, there was truth to the story. This was indeed an exciting game of pick up excrement (making the CNN reference surprisingly accurate). Let me get this straight, they spin a wheel, squeeze a pump attached to a leash which eventually causes the dog to choke out pieces of crap which the kids happily grab up to earn themselves a fart token. The kid that manages to scoop up the most crap is crowned the winner. Linda, can I get this for our nephew and nieces!?!
Hit the jump to see some more crap!
Merry Christmas Everyone! Best wishes for a safe and happy holidays. Our plans for today were altered slightly due to a Linda’s mom coming down a little ill, so figured I’d make a quick post. In honor of the season, thought it would be a perfect time to post on a funny situation that occurred a mere two days ago. Linda and I decided to go out for our Christmas dinner a few nights early since the weather was looking a little iffy (ended up getting at least 6″ yesterday and even plowed for a second time today as it continued to fall well into the night). Electing to go with casual attire, we chose to eat at Bar Louie in our outdoor mall. Convinced that the wait would be extensive, it would also give us a chance to pick up some last minute gifts. The first oddity of the night occurred when we walked into the establishment. The wait time ended up being the length of time it took to tell the hostess whether we wanted a booth or a table. There were at most 10 people in the whole place with most of those sitting at the bar. If we had to guess there were at least 30 empty tables. We both looked at each other and both had a flash we had missed a health report or something. Committed, we sat down and made our order noting that it was special day so both our diets were out the door. In the end it didn’t matter since I only ate half of my food and ended up eating some of Linda’s instead (note, if the hamburger is too charbroiled for me to eat, it isn’t fit to be served – especially annoying since they didn’t even ask me how I wanted it cooked). The “lack of customers” mystery was quickly solved.
It did allow us plenty of time to shop afterward. The ever-efficient shopper Linda was either feeling the effects of the supper or was just in a good mood knowing her shopping responsibilities had already been completed. This manifested in a night of sarcastic comments and humor as I desperately tried to find the perfect Christmas gift. I was also trying to get Linda to pick out few gifts for herself, since she gave me a wish list with a whopping 6 or 7 items on it that I was forced to give to others who were looking for gifts. I had threatened a Chia Pet or The Clapper if she didn’t give me any additional ideas. After a few stops we ended up at Barnes and Noble and by that time Linda was on a roll pointing out a number of gift options in jest. As we turned the corner Linda spots this:
hit the jump to see the rest of the story.
I think I now know why wife and I do not have kids. It’s really quite simply that I would probably end up accidentally maiming or killing them due to some completely bizarre situation I would have never suspected or assessed ahead of time. Why have I come to this conclusion? Well, this Thanksgiving I about had a heart attack by the stupid actions of a toddler. Linda’s side of the family was down for Turkey Day and Christmas present exchange. We alternate between the families on the Thanksgiving and Xmas holidays so we just do both at the same time on the year we have Linda’s side for Thanksgiving. Having no kids, our house is really not set up well for children and my nerves are really not dulled enough to handle a whole day of them. So, after the presents were given to the kids, they began running one of the kids new trucks across our wood floors. They are supposed to be durable, but just in case, I introduced them to our wide open basement. After a little while I took a stroll down there to see how it was going. One of the kids then asked if he could use my treadmill. I was not too keen on this, but decided to indulge him.
Now to set the situation. We have a Spirit folding treadmill that sounded like a good idea when we were purchasing it many years ago. Not until we made it home with our purchase did it occur to us that the unit folds TOWARD the controls. This means that the tread deck ends up raising vertical in alignment with the electronic console. You may have already pictured this, but if you put the treadmill facing the wall it will raise up in an ideal manner leaving room free for other uses when not training. Now if you do not want to stare at a wall the entire time you are jogging, you might decided to face it away from the wall to maybe point to a TV (which is how ours is set up). Now, you can try to distract yourself while spending hours running nowhere. This setup means you will take zero advantage of the folding capability unless you just like staring at a large piece of metal sitting in the center of your room. Have you guessed the drawback of this type of setup? Let’s kill the suspense. To maximize the room space, you typically set the back of the unit near a wall, which in our case is a cement block wall, until we get around to finishing our basement. I like to think of this as merely incentive to keep my pace up.
Slowly the situation is becoming clearer although you might have jumped to a conclusion that is slightly different than reality. Having already decided to keep control of the situation, I stood on the side of the treadmill and made sure he held on to the front bar. I started it at walking pace and then brought the speed up slowly until he had to just barely jog. At all times the hand was on the kill switch in case something went wrong. The kid in fact did a great job and I was just about to end the activity when all of a sudden another kid (who I thought was upstairs with his parents) comes along the opposite side of the treadmill and JUMPS on the treadmill. The last time I checked, humans were suppose to be the smarter species on the planet having the ability to rationalize a situation and take appropriate action. Apparently this attribute develops MUCH later than previously thought. Let’s see, the person on the treadmill is moving his legs yet staying in one place… the floor he is on is actually moving as well… I am smaller so obviously it is okay if I jump on it… Non-Sequitur. Sure enough, the new kid goes winging back to the wall and proceeds to become quite acquainted to the black mat. My fingers smacked the kill switch while my heart missed at least 3 beats. While grabbing the kid out of the gap I looked him over for any signs of damage and only noticed he managed to clean a little of the tread on his pants. My attention to his situation triggered into his conscious resulting in the attention demanding scream and tears. With the heart back in the proper rhythm, we walked up the stairs and found his parents who treated the situation with little fanfare, confidently informed me the kid was fine and told him to relax.
I am guessing kids are more durable than those without believe. You probably also get a good idea of how a kid that age thinks and can assess a situation from their quirky point of view. This ability is probably learned over time, but without exposure to life with kids, let me tell you, it is darn STRESSFUL. Kudos to all you parents out there molding their little pieces of clay into successful young adults – and from the other perspective a new meaning to Thanksgiving Day.
Sorry for the long delay. I have been fighting a stupid cold for about 4 days now and it is not showing any signs of letting up. In general I rarely come down with colds, but when I do they tend to be the nastiest strains on the continent. Since I don’t take any medications unless I absolutely have to, I resort to the bombardment of Vitamin C. The guess at this point is I sunk it in pretty deep by running 4 miles during the early stages. This may have weakened my immune system enough for it to take a stranglehold. Don’t worry, I’ll make it through.
Fortunately, I identified blog material during that run. Since treadmill running is an immense bore, I always have the TV or stereo going to keep my mind off the fact I’m at most moving back and forth about 6 inches for 30+ minutes at a time. This is probably one of the few times I am actually exposed to commercials beyond when I am getting ready for work in the mornings. Similar to when I was forced to watch 7 minutes of Obama’s infomercial because it came on before completing my mileage for the day, I caught my first Christmas commercial of the season. Yes, on Friday Nov 7th, Hallmark ran a Christmas add for some kind of talking giftbag. Thanksgiving is all but irrelevant these days and my guess every year they will push the Christmas season even further ahead. I already see Christmas decorations start hitting the retail shelves before Halloween is over. I’ve decided to honor my favorite pumpkin holiday and commit to not purchasing any Christmas themed item before Thanksgiving. Mind you, this does not apply to purchasing gifts ahead of time. My wife likes to get that out of the way as soon as possible in contrast to my theory that the best deals are on December 23rd – Chia Pets for everyone!